Resumes and CVs - Joke Resume

Qualifications

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse
I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail

Experience

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job

Education

Failed recent exam with relatively high grades
Finished eighth in my class of ten

Special Skills

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details

Reasons For Leaving The Last Job

Responsibility makes me nervous
They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions
I was working for my mom until she decided to move
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing

Job Responsibilities

While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am disposed that it be so oriented as to partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured to lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award

Special Requests & Job Objectives

Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job
I put off work, especially when the task is unpleasant
It's best for employers that I not work with people

Physical Disabilities

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep

Personal Interests

Donating blood. 14 gallons so far
Marital status: often. Children: various

References

References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me

Small Typos That Can Change The Meaning

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year
Education: College, August 1880-May 1984
Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse
Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation