Jokes P-T

Pa Won't Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, 'Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.'

'That's mighty nice of you,' Willis answered, 'but I don't think Pa would like me to.'

'Aw come on boy,' the farmer insisted.

'Well okay,' the boy finally agreed, and added, 'but Pa won't like it.'

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. 'I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.'

'Don't be foolish!' the neighbor said with a smile.

'By the way, where is he?'

'Under the wagon.'

From the accent I can tell this is an American joke. Words like 'Pa' (father) tell me this, as do 'hearty,' meaning 'large' in this sentence. The phrase 'but I know Pa is going to be real upset' also tells you something. It suggest that this is an uneducated kid, hence a country boy. This is because the grammar should read 'really upset.' A wagon, by the way, is a vehicle usually pulled by a horse or group of horses. It has large wheels, and not engine of course. This was a traditional vehicle for the wild west lifestyle of the late 1800's in American, and can still be seen today in farming country.

Promoted

'So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and e said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.

A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

Queen’s bell-ringer

All across the kingdom, the news travelled quickly that the Queen’s bell-ringer, who faithfully served the royal family for decades, had passed. The Queen made the royal decree that she was looking for someone to come and take his place.

The next day, a humble peasant was first in the long line of applicants for the job. “My Queen,” he entreated her, “since I was a youth, I have always wanted to serve our kingdom and the royal family in this way. Let me be your bell-ringer, and I will serve in earnest all the days of my life.”

The Queen appreciated the peasant’s words, but was puzzled. “My humble servant, I have but one question: how can you serve the kingdom as the royal bell-ringer? You don’t have any arms!”

The peasant smiled and said simply, “Take me to the tower and I will show you.”

The Queen, her entourage, and the peasant climbed the steps of the bell tower until they reached the top. The peasant looked over his shoulder at the queen, “Behold!” And with that, the peasant ran to the far side of the room, spun around and ran directly at the bell. Faster and faster he ran then leapt, flew through the air, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.

Stunned, the Queen hesitated. But, when she heard the bell peal as never before, she told the peasant, “the position is yours.”

Weeks went by as the peasant served faithfully and punctually, and always in the same way: he would run across the room, spin around, charge directly at the bell, leap, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.

Until, that is, one fateful morning when the peasant woke up late. Certain he could still make it in time, he ran from his common home, tore across the kingdom, scrambled up the tower, across the room, spun, leapt and…missed the bell entirely! He instead flew across the room, out the nearby window and plummeted a thousand feet to his death.

aving heard the commotion, the castle guards ran upstairs to find the empty room. They looked out the window to find a crowd gathering around the peasant’s body. The one guard looks at each other and says, “My God–that poor man! Have you any idea who he is?”

The other: “I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”

A very long joke with a simple punch line '“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.” This is funny because it has two meanings. The first meaning is the obvious phrase meaning that I recognize him. This isn't funny, but just an answer to the question 'Have you any idea who he is?' The second meaning refers to the fact that he hits the bell with his face. Funny, but silly too. It's a joke because the author has successfully found a literal use for the phrase 'rings a bell.'

Through the Desert On a Man With No Ears

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' he asked the first candidate.

'Yes. You have no ears.'

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' he asked the second candidate.

'Yes. You have no ears.'

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' he asked the third candidate.

'Yes. You're wearing contacts.'

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, 'That's correct. How did you know?'

'You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears.'

'freakin'' is a non-offensive way of swearing. Other example include 'friggin'' and 'feckin'' I'm sure you notice that all three example use an apostrophe ( ' ) to show a missing letter (g). This is typical of relaxed English, and hence an uneducated person.

Two cannibals

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Another example of double meanings. The normal meaning of 'Does this taste funny to you?' is whether or not something tastes strange or unusual. This of course isn't very funny. The other meaning of 'Does this taste funny to you?' refers to the fact that they are eating a clown. If a pig tastes like pork, and beef tastes like a cow, then a clown might taste funny...

Two engineers and a bike

Two engineers are walking to class when one says, “Where’d you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replies, “Well yesterday I was on my way home when this beautiful girl rode in front of me, tossed the bike and her clothes to the ground and declared, ‘Take what you want!’”

The first engineer nods in approval, “Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Two Soldiers

Two soldiers were in camp. The first one's name was George, and the second one's name was Bill. George said, 'have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?'

Bill said, 'Yes, I have,' and he gave them to him.

Then George said, 'Now I haven't got a pen.' Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, 'have you got a stamp, Bill?' Bill gave him one.

Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, 'Are you going out?'

Bill Said, 'Yes, I am,' and he opened the door.

George said, 'Please put my letter in the box in the office, and...' He stopped.

'What do you want now?' Bill said to him.

George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, 'What's your girl-friend's address?'