Jokes F-J

Final Confession

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, 'Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest.'

'But honey,' she whispered, 'I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father.'

'Don't worry about it, sweetie,' replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, 'I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?'

So, what’s the joke here. That the wife knew about the fact that the husband was cheating and killed him in revenge. The phrase 'on her deathbed' means that Brittany would die soon, and so here refers to a point in time rather than an actual bed, although I am certain she was in one. 'Sweetie' and 'honey' are two ways of expressing your love for you wife in a close way. Similar to 'lao po' in Chinese.

Food problem

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. 'What's the matter with me?' he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, 'You're not eating properly.'

'You're not eating properly' here means two things. Sometimes jokes have two answers. The normal answer, and the funny answer. The normal version here of 'You're not eating properly' means that perhaps your diet is causing these problems. It's a typical answer from a doctor, but not funny. The funny version is that 'You're not eating properly' means you have an inability to eat like normal people. You don't understand how to put food in your mouth, and so put it in you eye, up your nose and anywhere else possible. Of course, only a stupid person would do this, hence the joke.

George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

'I do so by asking them the right questions,' says the Queen. 'Allow me to demonstrate.'

She phones Tony Blair and says, 'Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?'

Tony Blair responds, 'It's me, ma'am.'

'Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,' says the Queen. She hangs up and says, 'Did you get that, Mr. Bush?'

'Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!'

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, 'Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.'

'Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?'

'Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?'

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, 'Can I think about it and get back to you?' Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

'Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?' Powell answers immediately, 'It's me, of course, you dumb ass.'

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, 'I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!' And Bush replies in disgust, 'Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!'

Irish joke 1

This Irishman is lost in the desert, dying of thirst when he finds a lantern. So he picks it up and wipes off the sand and a genie appears and grants him 3 wishes.

My first wish, says the Irishman, is for a lovely cool pint of Guinness that never ends.

A beautiful pint of Guinness appears in his hand and he starts drinking. It's the smoothest, most satisfying pint he has ever tasted and he drinks and drinks but the pint is still full to overflowing.

OK, says the genie. What do you want for your second wish?

Bejaysus, says the Irishman. Another one of these pints

Irish Joke 2

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!'

'An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman' jokes are very popular in the UK. Other countries use the same style, but change the countries involved. The joke itself always follows the same style. Something happens first to the Englishman, then the Scotsman, and finally the Irishman. The Irish are always joked at for being stupid, and hence come last in this type of joke.

Irish Joke 3

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The Doctor calls the police to show them what has happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. 'Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector', says the Doctor.

The Detective Inspector is taken to the second dead man. 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

'Nothing unusual here', thinks the Detective Inspector, and asks to be shown the last body.

'Ah,' says the Doctor, 'this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

To which the Doctor replies : 'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

Most countries in the world choose another country to make fun out of. The English choose the Irish, the French choose the English, and everyone hates the French! So it's all okay really.