Jokes A-E
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mice, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, 'Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.'
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
All Right
Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. 'Uh-oh,' I said, realizing my mistake. 'I just make an illegal turn.'
'I guess it's all right.' my daughter replied, 'The police car behind us did the same thing.'
Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, 'Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.'
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
Blonde Passenger
A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.”
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours
Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”
The punch line here is 'Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.' Why is this funny? Because airplanes usually only have 4 engines, so if all 4 shut off the plane would crash. But the blonde doesn't consider this, and thinks it would just slow the down more. Silly girl!
Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, 'You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, 'Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. 'You really ARE Einstein!' he says. 'Welcome to heaven!
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, 'Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?
Saint Peter says, 'Go ahead.
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk
Saint Peter claps. 'Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!' he says. 'Come on in!
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, 'Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?
George W. looks bewildered and says, 'Who are Einstein and Picasso?'
Saint Peter sighs and says, 'Come on in, George.'
Difference
'I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class,' observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. 'When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down.'
Engineering In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, 'Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in hell?
Satan replies, 'Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
God replies, 'What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.
Satan says, 'No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.'
God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, 'Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'
In a joke, the last line is most important. This is called the 'punchline' because it hits you like a punch! Here, the punchline is 'And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?' Without this line, the joke isn't even slightly funny. So, what does the punchline imply? YOU means God, and the question comes from Satan. Thus, if Satan is asking where God would find a lawyer, this suggests lawyers are always sent to Hell. Hence, the final joke is aimed at the fact that all lawyers are bad and go to hell when they die.
